On the Ecology of the Giant Space Hamster
Silly? Only because you've never died to one!
There are many giant breeds, including:
- Subterranean - Digs through soft rock, sometimes called dirt.
- Saber-toothed
- Rather wild - slightly left of wild, right of haggard
- Invisible - but only when no one is looking
- Sylvan
- Jungle
- Miniature
- Armor-plated
- Yellow Musk
- Ethereal - also, translucent skin!
- Carnivorous flying
- Two-headed lernaean bombardier
- Tow-faced lagan
- Fire-breathing, phaseing, doppleganging
- Great horned
- Abominable
- Tyrannohamsterus rex
- and the Space Hamster of Ill-omen.
Other more rare breeds include
- Spotted
- Club-foot
- Terribly dire
- Feathered
- Hopping
- Slithering
- Burning Vorpal
- Night
- Meek & Friendly
- Voracious
- Steel
- Many-hatted
- Hamstornado
Where did Giant Space Hamsters come from? The sages discuss it below.
- They are the remnants of childhood imaginary friends long forgotten
- Deep in the deepest depths of deep deep space is the sorcerous space station of Peng. There, the sorcerous sorcerer of Peng has performed many countless uncounted innumerable experiments for years uncounting, seeking to perfect the perfect titanic battle creature with which he can wreak his revenge against the universe. A universe that cast him as a lunatic, a madman!
- He is, without doubt, a gifted master of the mastery of genetic splicing. However, he suffers from a scarcity of subjects save for his pet hamsters. With their many offspring (and siblings), he works feverishly to perfect his creatures.
- He is also, without doubt, a hapless idiot when it comes to security. And so, many of his creations escape from Peng and somehow end up scattered across the universe.
- The goal of the program was to develop a breed of Giant Space Hamster that could infiltrate enemy positions and operate individually behind the lines. The program was headed by an overly obsessed G-gnome operative.
- The program was a complete failure, until, in a horrible accident, the G-gnome heading the program was transformed in a horrible accident into a Giant Space Hamster herself. During her operative period, she took the code name "Nebula". While she herself was a very successful hamster agent, her refusal to mate with "natural" giant space hamsters meant the program ended with her.
- They are the imaginary friends of an infant godling!
- Every time a rules lawyer makes a GM cry, a different space hamster is born!
- The evil summoner Farfegnu was attempting to summon the horrible Hgythracolabartphamat from the depths of a demon hell dimension when he was interrupted by the escape of his young daughter from her succubus nurse. Instead of summoning Hgythracolabartphamat, Farfegnu reached into the pink bedroom of Alexandra Tuppin who had just dressed Twinkles, her pet hamster, in a tiny pink princess hat with a flowing diaphanous ribbon.
- Twinkles was ripped from Earth and appeared in Farfegnu's Seclusion where to everyone's droll surprise mammals from Earth are 25 times the size of local mammals. While Farfegnu was horrified by the cute giant, his daughter was not and the girl and giant hamster lived in happiness for many years. Until a party of adventures invaded the seclusion slaughtering everything in its path except Twinkles, who, having drunk a concoction of broken potions was able to fly off into space in search of his home world dressed in a dainty pink hat.
- A space wizard did it
- It started as a harmless business venture, custom pets, that got a little out of hand.
- Ok. A lot out of hand
- The rare Intelligent Giant Space Hamster Breed, an ancient race of religious star-faring traders wait for the day that Cuddles, the Chosen Hamster of blood will lead them to the land of endless pellets
- Crystal spheres are actually hamster balls. Notorious escape artists, some hamsters escape them, then drift in the void looking to eat, mate, and poop. Their poop, by the way, provides a fantastic hull for a cigar-shaped inter-stellar vessel.
- Space Hamsters are the degenerate remnants of the oldest, most important interstellar race. Having constructed the transportation hamster tunnels we know as the wormhole network, they traveled to many worlds to spread the squeaking joy of their own religion. After a catastrophic religious war (clockwise hamster wheel rotation vs. counterclockwise), only the mightiest (or most overlooked) hamster heroes were left, made nearly immortal by their fluffy sciences. Their mental faculties proved not quite so resilient, so after many millennia, all that was left was the animalistic Giant Space Hamsters of today.
- Normally, stellar radiation has unpredictable and dangerous effects on living tissue. For unknown reasons, it always has the same effects on hamsters: rapid growth, increased intelligence, and eventual development of psionic ability
"Go for the eyes Boo, GO FOR THE EYES!!!" -Minsc to his Miniature Giant Space Hamster Boo.
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